Many of you are aware of the Easter uprising that occurred yesterday at my house. If you have the stomach for it, you may review the graphic images that accompany this post.
My family and I would like to express our sympathy to the family members and friends of the peeps that were brutally murdered and/or toasted during yesterday’s Easter celebration. We are deeply mourned at the chicks’ militant brutality, and while we don’t condone the chick’s behavior we can understand the circumstances that caused it. We are working with representatives on both sides of the issue to resolve the situation.
After the events shown here, we discovered that the bunnies had been taunting and terrorizing the chicks even before they were purchased and brought into the household. Therefore, the problem predates my household’s involvement with both groups. Back when they were both side by side in the store bunnies insisted that they were superior to the chicks because A) they were the “newer and therefore hipper and trendier form of the Peep” and that B) The bunnies more closely resemble the spirit of Easter because they look like the Easter Bunny himself.
Unbeknownst to household management, the bunnies had been lighting bags of jelly beans on fire outside of the chicks’ cartons and leaving chocolate graffiti with phrases such as, “Your momma was an egg.”
Our official position on the matter is that neither bunnies nor chicks are preferable Easter treats. Both are delicious and household management will make sure to consume them in equal portions in the future. There is no excuse for taunting others with chocolate or for tying anyone up with licorice and publicly toasting them on a stack of pretzel sticks. Furthermore, this sort of unruly behavior will not be tolerated in the pantry or elsewhere in the house. Bunnies or chicks who engage in these types of hostile actions will have their heads bitten off and fed to the dog.
Lastly, while we did consume the murdered bunnies and even dipped the charred bodies in chocolate fondue before eating them, this in no way should be viewed as an endorsement of the chicks’ actions. Our sympathy goes out to the manufacturer of Peeps who is certainly in mourning over these events. Since corporations are people, too, we can only assume that the company is shedding tears of colored sugar over this event as they count their profits from the holiday.